Long time no C

It's been a (wh)ile. To sum things up, it's been a crazy
semester. Can't believe the first semester of college is
over for me. I'm just glad that I'll be done soon. One
thing that I constantly overlook, is just the fact that
I'm in college. I guess, it's not really that much
of a step up from high school, but as I become surrounded
by different groups of people and different lifestyles...
I'm slowly beginning to get a feel for this "college" thing.

To be honest, it hurts me when you intentionally avoid me.
Yeah, maybe that's how it should be, but oh well.

Anyways, I keep getting stuck in this rut. It buries me deeper
and deeper and before I know it....I'm back to where I started.
Stop trying to make your friendship something more than it is.
Get over the fact that maybe it's just not right for you.
Be content and leave it at that. Second semester is coming up
so get ready and be prepared. It's gonna be a bumpy ride, but
do your best to trek along. Please take some time out to reflect
and get on the right track.















Something that I've heard over the weekend was "When Satan reminds you
of your past, you remind him of HIS future." Guilt can break you down
before you even realize it, but thanks to Rico's sermon, I don't have
to let it get to me.















Rushing through the fine breeze and winding down these halls
we both look into a window to find hidden walls
All along these windows have been shut before your eyes
until we went hand in hand and took off this disguise
no need to hold on now and let words fall into empty space
just follow me and I'll set pace
to where we'll end up no one knows
it's fine as long as the wind blows
into these halls filling our lungs
oh look, the passing bell has finally rung.

Simple as pie

It's been a very long time since I've written a post.
Simply put, the reason why I've decided to write again
is because I need someone to hear, whether it's a friend
or myself reading the words on a page. I tend to become
anxious or pulled into something that I don't intend to
be pulled into. It's been a while since I've had an over
thinking moment. Lately, it's been a little hectic for me.
Constantly worrying about school, stress from work,
more stress from work, other things building up
over time and eventually breaking down like before.
I'll finish when I recollect my thoughts

Dear Editha

Editha, I know that you think everything's fine.
Let me assure you that it's in fact unsettling.
It feels as though a tornado is ripping through
this canvas and onto the wooden floor before us.
Do you remember the portrait that was left
in front of the living room? It was a beautiful
sight until two hands met between the center
and brushed black onto the scene. This eventually
flooded the whole picture until all that was left,
was a sheer reflection of darkness. After leaving
the room, I found a little bundle of pages. They
were marked with scribbles and pencil marks. They
once echoed a story of love or maybe it was just
lust. Who knows? As tempting as it is to burn the
pages away until the last ash, Editha, I've kept
them til this day. Do I have any reason to keep
the pages bundled between creases and folds?
The truth is, that I'm too scared to even
think about opening them again. The feelings and
thoughts rush back onto that portrait. I suddenly
turn away and react as if though I'm staring into
the sun. I don't want to recall any of this..Editha
please help me to face the truth. Even though you
can move on and freely paint onto a new canvas..
my hands are still stained with this black ink.
As I try to begin a new portrait..I only smear
a black smudge onto that white background.
It might take a set of brushes or even just
someone to take that painting down off the
easel, but Editha.....Let me assure you that
as the ink can stain and bleed into the screen,
surely....you've stained and burned into a canvas
which I can never look away from. It's best for me
to just splash a new can of white onto it all.
That would be best....don't you think? Now that
I look back in retrospect....I regret everything.
Tell me....What did you get out of this? We can
barely see eye to eye now. What did I get out of
this? Stained hands....and much more. Please
don't try to look away. I don't know how you could
keep painting the way you do. Don't you have any
remorse? Don't you have any dignity? I can't answer
these questions for you...but I can't answer them
for myself either. The only thing that I can do
for myself...and for you...is really just leave
it all behind. I can only leave the stained canvas
where it lays. I can only leave all the smeared
portraits where they stand. I can only close this
door and never......open it again. No matter how
tempting or inviting it might be, I only know that
what waits for me inside...is a tornado that will
rip me apart. So with all of that said, Editha
I leave you locked in the room as well.




Sincerely,

Jeoffrey

Rest In Pieces

Goodbye Blog. I'll be going away for some time now, but
I'll be back. Someday. There's no point in me trying to
confine some impulsive rants or thoughts into an online
page. It's time that I take responsibility for my own
thoughts and actions. Sorry if I've been a little over
the edge lately.....but no need to worry. All is well
and turning over. Actually, this won't end here, but
one last post will sum it all up.

Why is it

that it still hurts.
Every single time I look at your smile
I catch your scent in the air
I meet your eyes.
It still hurts me.
Why?

So tired

I should be used to this by now. The way people use me,
the way people shove the blame in my direction,
the way people expect me to behave.






















It sucks when you get used, and people think it's okay.
It sucks when you can't get them to listen.
You know what? It's just something I tend to overlook.
Oh well, They'll learn eventually.

up with hope

It's been two years already? my last friday and sunday
leading worship, at least for a while. bueno

oh swell

Four days left.
I'm already itching to head out the door.
I don't even want to bring that book tomorrow.
as I fill these pages with ink and false remarks
all that's left is a stale taste of relief.
I'm sorry to say, but within the next four
pages of this life, we'll leave and move on.
Maybe not for some of us, but for most, it's
sadly the truth. so stop looking at me and step
out that door. you don't understand that I've
been realizing this ever since my foot first
stepped into these halls. I'm leaving
with a bitter taste in my mouth. With my hands
held down and feet stepping out. Soon it'll
be done. Soon we'll be feeling infinite.
While we wait for the sweet kiss of relief
We wait at the door, with our hearts in our hands
Let go. Let's forget what's all around and
just feel infinite.

it's time

let's get it together.

the funny thing about this is, we'll feel
no remorse or regret.....until we see grace.
We should already know that we're free, but
we still tend to fall into the same pit.
You'll feel fine, but when it comes back to
hit you, just look up.

Please

help me to forgive
allow me to be at peace
not just for a moment, but for every
single moment I think of you, see you
want you, miss you.
Give me peace. Help me to forgive you.

shine

it's time to start.































let's not linger on and walk blindly in the past
rather stepping forward into something new and unknown
we'll go farther than we have ever before and laugh
as we compare how insignificant these obstacles have been
and as we find a new home
let's dust ourselves off and begin a new path
we'll continue to fall and stumble on the way
but it'll all be worth it as we take off that mask
and breathe in that crisp fresh air and finally say
"Let's start"

Relapse

here we find a familiar face, with a familiar feeling.
closing our eyes and being intoxicated with a scent
somehow always lingering as if falling from the ceiling.
breathing deep until the very last ash falls off
and leaving a bitter taste of regret.
Being lost within all that causes harm
constantly falling back and relapsing into a pit
trying to claw our way out to reach for an arm.
suddenly swept away by that intoxicating scent while
losing all wit. constantly held back and relapsing
into these thoughts. constantly held down and relapsing
into something long sought.
at the same time asking yourself why this was real
only wanting to escape and never feel
this pain, this relapse, this bitterness.
It's true that when we love what is harmful to us, the only
thing left is a relapse.

by your side

It's only 30 days until Graduation.
A long waited dream (johnny -_-) that feels so unreal.
Before I know it, I'll be leaving an environment that
has been so welcoming to me for the past four years
and enter another that will leave me unresolved.
I've recently come to a decision that will be a very
very big commitment for me. I honestly went on a whim.
Maybe you can call it a push from the Holy Spirit, but
I'm willing. With that coming ahead, I can only hold on.
By taking this step of faith, I know God is going to do
something incredible. Yet, why do I feel so unsure and lost?
With every step that I take, I continue to feel surrounded
and that much more distorted. It's time that I allow the
light to shine again. We weren't created to hide that light
and we weren't created to create a glare or distort that image.


So that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. Philippians 2:15

As the months pass by and as I get closer to this goal, I'll stand
by this verse and hold on. no matter what happens, all I can do is
hold on to the only constant thing in my life. My relationship
with my Lord and Savior: Jesus Christ.
































Dear God,
Please help me to hold onto you. No matter how things
may turn out, I trust in you. You've been so good to me and
proven yourself to me over and over again, when it wasn't even
necessary. Lord, just help me to become an empty vessel for you
and to do your works. In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

turn away

and find peace.

attack

We'll continue to sink deeper into the ground
with no air to breathe, so put on a mask until
it provides enough to barely escape.
until we find what we've been searching for, this
mask will have to do. Even if we come out scarred
and bleeding, the air will be sweet.

found by now

in this state, it's tolerable.
i can smile and know it'll mask itself.
too bad it's not real.
too bad i'll deal with it later on.
for now i'll enjoy it
and smile as long as i can.
enjoy





















digging deeper into this whole, i find so many things hidden.
all left behind through cracks and crevices in age.
looking for a new grave to dig, only waiting and sitting
bringing up the pain, joy, peace, and rage
locking it into a chest to be opened through time
looking for what's your's and what's mine
don't worry about keeping the key. it's long gone
and already lost in song.
once the dust finally blows over, we'll have a trace
and be able to follow it down to overturned space
finally breathing deeper now and filling your lungs with air
finally looking around and losing all that's fair.
let's not worry about what will be found or lost in this pit
only digging up what's gone will condense your wit.
instead look on and walk forward towards that ledge.
bring your feet closer to the crumbling edge.
now stare down into a void that can be a trap.
bury your past and step back.
now slowly turn and take in what's all around.
listening and waiting to hear one sound
too bad it's as silent as a graveyard
only but one soul holding a card
the card revealing a three of hearts
now being torn in half and left to scars
following what's left of that soul
into somewhere that's full of holes.
sinking into this room feeling so transparent
don't forget that all stare and lament
they see all of the holes and patches.
now it's all fading and left with scratches
barely marking the surface.
don't think this is all on purpose.
let's bury the hatchet and close all doors.
we'll find a way out and even more.
keep this a little secret between us
let it float away as the air sinks with dust.

Don't worry

It's mid April. A lot has been going on and at the
same time, a lot hasn't changed. Wasting time
on reflection really won't do much except
make me cringe, but it's something I have to do.
Remember all of the things that made you feel
certain ways. Plus or Minus. Remember all of the
people that changed how you saw things. Now look
back a couple of years. Did things change much?
probably and definitely. Don't worry too much.
You can put it behind you and eventually grow.
It'll just take some time and it won't be easy.
Please just get focused. It's only a few months
until you'll get out.

boom

if a finger touches her, you get a punch to the face.
a word of warning.

retire

So it's better now than never.
Let it all go.
Draw in deep breaths and forget.
Bury it deeper now.

brick by boring brick

Please help me to understand how I've grown so bitter.

Self-Defense

Keep building walls until I collapse.
wishing won't change much.
hoping won't bring change.
our love is gonna drown

hello

I need a break. Please allow me to take a few steps back
and breathe the air in. Allow me to just stare into the
sky and forget that I am. Allow me to take quick and
shallow breaths of the cold air and for me to blink
past the tears that form as I stare. As I take a look
into the sad and hardened reflection, allow me to regain
composure. Allow me to follow as you say and find a cure.
Let's take a few steps back together and breathe the air
in. Let's stare into the sky and forget where we stand.
Let's take in deep and prolonged breaths of the cold air.
Let's forget and never care.

please remind me

I need to be more careful when driving. :(

noteq

rota grid
5zigen
buddy club p1

in teresting.

God is good. all the time. all the time. God is good.
This statement is valid.















































but due to my shortcomings and failures, I forget that.
I forget so many times. I'm sorry.

stop

It's been a while since I've updated.
Not much has been happening in my life.
I'm pretty happy that the first semester
of school has been easy. well... I don't
know if easy is the right word. It's been
a little different from what I've expected.
well....all in all I am a very happy camper.
getting a car on monday, got my shoes, and ready
to go.

positive.

yeah, things aren't going to automatically clear up.
yeah, things aren't going to disappear.
yeah, things aren't always going to be pleasant.
so let's stop thinking that they are.













































let's stop this.

eye

eye cannot do this on my own.
eye cannot see past what limits my vision.
eye cannot focus beyond 55mm.
eye cannot find a piece of peace.

























somewhere down this long and forsaken road
eye start to see a light.
























because of Your grace and mercy
eye can see past what limits my vision.
with Your Word and strength
eye can do this through You.
because of Your love and joy
eye can focus beyond 55mm.
because of Your son
eye can finally have a piece of peace.

crushed

a list for the next two months.

Fit
Civic Si - sedan
oz rally lancer
accord - sedan (v6)
corolla type s
rsx
rx-8
mazda3
mazda6